I'm Beginning To Make Charlie Sheen Seem Normal...

At the age of 22-ISHHHHHHHH, my shell cracked and I discovered Paganism. Like me, Paganism is loose. ::cough:: Well, lets rephrase that. Its less etched in the Religions that have come before me. I am more connected to my own understanding that labels can interfere with understanding that the "Source", the "All Mighty", the true nature of Divinity is something that is beyond human comprehension. My journey is about finding the joy and meaning in the moments that involve caring for my family, that involve being aware of the  changes in Nature, simply being grateful every day even when it is a struggle to think of anything to be grateful for which is often sometimes. That makes me feel totally ungrateful. But being a SAHM will make you a loose cannon.

Life is hard. I don’t need to tell you that. Tons of unrewarded work, unacknowledged effort, unbearable grief, uexpected pain, chaos and tragedy...But it also brings moments of joy, wonder, beauty and great peace if you allow it. But what happens when our well runs dry?? What happens when (due to bad luck, illness, depression, WHATEVS) we wake up one day and realize that we wouldn’t recognize a moment of joy if it jumped up and bit us on our flabby ass? I still fight with this today. I am using the tools I need, to free myself from it. As with everything........ it takes time.

NOONE can say that we are the person we were 10 or 20 years ago, I can honestly say that I do not even recognize the person that stares back at me from the mirror some days. But another part of it originates in my belief that some people's love for me has limits. Some may think I’m weird. Not weird and wacky and wonderful, just plain weird … in a way that makes them uncomfortable, a way that makes them want to smoosh the weirdness out of me. I admit - there are times when I have let them. I stopped sharing much about my life or my feelings.I stopped opening my mouth on topics that related to religion or politics or anything else I felt would be hacked apart. Why? Fed up with being insulted. Great depression and anxiety, all my sense of spiritual awakenness (thank you Oprah) feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness- well they are all Sandra's doing.

I try, at the very least to make half-hearted efforts, to live the life of my dreams as much as possible from where I am. I have felt such freedom since I hit 30. I dont know what it is - I cant explain it, I can't show you, or draw it for you or anything. I just feel it. And it flows. For me, this never ending process is nothing short of mystical and amazing. What a relief, to be washed clean of the past...allthe time that blocks true living. Yeah I did things and yeah other times I had things done to me. But absolutely no decision I have made was a "bad" one, because those are the lessons that have carried me to a better life. Period. Move On.

I share these thoughts because I need too. I let folks in and allow them to weaken me with their judgments; It got to the point where I had to say to myself, "Ok yeah it would be nice if everyone had a good opinion of me, but what IS it inside of me that STILL is making me feel as if I NEED acceptance???" I mean, it's not as if these people could shove their hands inside me and rearrange my emotion. I had to do that. I think Im doin pretty good. If I accept my choices and who I am becoming and feel good about them, then other peoples opinions mean nothing. 10 years ago, I couldnt even imagine myself feeling this way, let alone saying it.. sharing it. I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter and totally embracing the woman I have become and continue to become. This whole struggle of an identity - Who are you really? Who will you become? Will you be ok with what you WONT be? What you WONT HAVE?  But Im not 21 anymore.

And you know...that's some good shit.

Blessings