Miss Me? Yeah, Me Too...

A sign of life. That's right. I'm alive... I realize you've had absolutely no evidence of this the last few weeks and well, I am sorry.

They say life is what happens to you when you've already made plans. Life, like SHIT - Happens. I have been unable to blog. I am DEEP in the luciousness that is Autumn and well, this broad simply doesnt have time. 

:::GASPS::::
Halloween. Samhain.

It's in FULL THROTTLE bitches. And my home literally looks as though it has projectile vomited in it. Words cannot describe the love I have for Autumn. I mean I would be slap happy if it were like this all year round. Is there anything more beautiful on the planet than the colors, scents and activities offered by this season? Didnt think so and shame on you for even thinking otherwise.

I can't promise that with kids, and life in general that I'll be as frequent as I was, BUT I am going to be focusing more on my writing. And I think the first nugget I should write is a letter to WHOMEVER would be responsible for putting a MOTHER EFFING TRADER JOE'S IN NORTHWEST INDIANA. I mean WTF?!?! I do 99.9% of my grocery shopping there. Are the folks of NW Indiana "less than"? Do we not deserve a natural or organic foods market near us? Bastards. Joe is a BASTARD. So I drop midget #1 off at school and take midgets #2 and #3 with me. Midget #2 is currently on a kick where he must announce the temperature as well as the direction and speed the vehicle is traveling at pretty much every 5 to 10 minutes. Midget #3 was unusually happy and decided to sing the entire theme song to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse the ENTIRE drive. AT THE TOP OF HER LITTLE LUNGS.  I should note the song is maybe 1 minute long. But for the 30 minute drive - I was COMMANDED to listen to it. Insanity is brewing even before I get to the store. I hate shopping with my children. It's a sad, pathetic day in your life when you become excited to get dressed, and go out on a Friday night after 9 because you are............... GOING TO THE FUCKING GROCERY STORE. But I <3 it. It's "ME" time.

NOT WITH KIDS. They want to test all the samples, sniff all the vegetables and breads and sample juices and use their own "carts" (BTW, whoever thought it was cute to make a mini "shopper in training" cart should be strapped inside of one and pushed off a cliff. I can't tell you how many displays my kid has crashed into trying to fill the ridiculously tiny basket with things we werent buying or even needed...) Then my daughter begins a major demonic possession over a fruit snack she couldnt eat RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Midget #2 has to use the bathroom. And when I say "use the bathroom" I dont mean "tinkle".... I mean this was one of those "OPEN THE DOOR WITH YOUR PANTS AROUND YOUR ANKLES" and plead with Mom to come "HELP PLEASE?" potty breaks. It was... well, LOVELY. So I have to leave the one kid in the cart and pray to THE GOOD LORD that she doesnt unbuckle and fall out of the cart while I race into the potty hoping not to see peen and trying not to GAG at the overwhelming odor of what left my 5-year-olds tail end.

Once that was over, I then race through the store and get what I need and get the HELL out before the mid-morning meltdown (She's got a cold so she's not sleeping right and naptime is all over the place) Miserable. JUST miserable. Then I get in line behind some chick who failed to properly bag her melons and left them dangling near her navel and my ever inquisitive 5-year-old announces loudly "Whats wrong with her Uh...THINGIES?" YES - even he noticed. It was enough to make you want to slam a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. 

Even with the alarming nature of this picture, I can assure you what I saw was much worse.

I suddenly went deaf in the checkout line, oblivious to my daughter leaning over and shoving candy bars into the neck of her jacket, blinded to the fact that my 5-year-old was doing the Moonwalk and knocked over a fresh plant display and saw flashes of me punching the cashier in the face for smiling so much. Why was she irritating me so? I mean I suppose she could have been rude and ignorant and I would have complained and threatened to have her job by sundown. This woman did nothing wrong but be pleasant and I wanted to elevate her through the front window "Terminator" style. Between the Joker faced cashier, the demonic children and the woman with mudflap boobies to her kneecaps, I went a little Sybil. But I will continue this trip every 2 weeks.

Because I am a Trader Joe's Whore.

I guess I could do all my shopping at Super-Walmart. Which I should have you know, has their own group of bra-less wonders wandering the isles late at night too.

Wal-Mart. I love and HATE Wal-Mart. The whole concept of this store intrigues me. Sure, Im all about "falling prices" but do you trust that piece of "fine jewlery" you just bought an isle over from the deli meat? Yeah.... consider that folks. And while I am a total hypocrite and will continue to shop there until the end of time, I just figured you all should be aware that I will know your fine jewlery was, infact, purchased here.

Until we meet again....

TOODLES!

"People... The "H" Is Silent"

This...

IS NOT MY GARDEN.

The owner of this garden is highly pretentious. She is married to a man she only sees on the weekends. She spends her time with fabulous gay men that I wish I could spend my time with. They party every weekend while crostini toasts on the grill as they sip potent whiskey sours, and fabulous martini's and play card games. The garden belongs to Ina Garten. You may know her cackling, wheezing ass, as the Barefoot Contessa and I am disgustingly jealous of her. I do not live in the Hamptons, and my husband is not the Dean of a College, so, therefore we took our garden down a few thousand notches and did it Cedartucky style. THIS folks, is the garden I aspire to have one day. Protected from nibbling rabbits and other pesky creatures... Everything grows gorgeously and that heffa is in WALKING DISTANCE from the finest selection of fruits (yes, she has her own orchard on her property - EYE ROLL) vegetables and herbs whenever she wants it. I hate her. And yet... I love her. But this post isnt about Ina and her "fabulousness". Its about Sandra and her lack....of.

I love, love, LOVE the fragrance and texture of........herbs! Grow your own if you can in a window box or basket garden, or pots on the window sill. You are even luckier if you have the ability to grow them in your very own garden. And in Sandra's neck of the woods, she does just that. I'm a herb pusher! For other uses, not just in foods. I really dislike the use of over the counter medicines for alot of ailments, and turn to natural remedies first. This year I discovered ORANGE MINT.. Yes people ORANGE MINT - I had never heard of such a thing, but I bought it, planted it and you know what? Its FABULOUS. I am going to try and coat some of the leaves in chocolate as a snack and see if my kids will eat them. Im also looking forward to making an orange steeped tea and using them in there as well. I will see how it goes..

All herbs impart an additional vibrance to the food you cook. With practice, you'll start using your favorites in everything and will instinctively know which herb goes into the cooking  pot!

**As always, check for interactions with medications and side effects for people with medical conditions.**

Basil, sweet- Use with mushrooms, in eggs,cheese and fish dishes.
Basil, perennial- For flavoring eggs, fish,game meats, pork,beef, chicken, shell fish and salads
Catnip ( catmint)- Leaves used in preparing herbal tea. Cat drug (!)
Chervil- Use young leaves, fresh or dried, in tomato sauce, light cream sauce
Chives- Use where mild onion flavor is desired. Good in eggs, sauces, salads and cheese spread/sauce.
Coriander- Ground seeds used in breads, cookies, cheese sauce and  vegetable soup like squash or pumpkin.
Dill- Use in soups, salads, cream cheese,eggs and fish.
Garlic- Used for bread, combined in butter for spread,salads, sauces,soups, in meats, poultry, fish. Roast whole  in 'paper' and peel off clove, squeeze out garlic paste on cracker or bread.
Hyssop- tender young leaves used in flavoring fruits,pies,salads, soups, stews, drinks.
Lavender- Flavoring for beverages and jellies; flowers used for perfume.
Sweet Marjoram- Flavoring of salads,meats, stuffing,fish and poultry.
Orange Bergamont Mint-use in meats,mint jelly and iced drinks.
Oregano- tomato sauce, Mexican dishes,Italian dishes, shellfish,salad and meats.
Parsley- Use as garnish in salads and soups, in cooked meats.
Pennyroyal- Makes a bland salad taste slightly bitter.Use sparingly.
Peppermint- Use sparingly as garnish on fruit cocktails, cold beverages,salads. Makes good herbal tea.
Pineapple Mint- Used in meats. Refreshing slightly fruity taste.
Sage- Use to season meats, sausage,stuffing.
Summer Savory- Use in beans,egg dishes,cream sauce,all poultry.
Sorrel- Use sparingly in green salads.
Tansy- Use in baked fish, meat pies,or egg dishes.
Tarragon- For salads and in dressings, fish, poultry,delicious in sauces.
Thyme- Use in meats,wild game, fish, as herbal tea ( sedative effect)


So there you have it. Plant some herbs....dont smoke 'em. PEACE!

I'm Beginning To Make Charlie Sheen Seem Normal...

At the age of 22-ISHHHHHHHH, my shell cracked and I discovered Paganism. Like me, Paganism is loose. ::cough:: Well, lets rephrase that. Its less etched in the Religions that have come before me. I am more connected to my own understanding that labels can interfere with understanding that the "Source", the "All Mighty", the true nature of Divinity is something that is beyond human comprehension. My journey is about finding the joy and meaning in the moments that involve caring for my family, that involve being aware of the  changes in Nature, simply being grateful every day even when it is a struggle to think of anything to be grateful for which is often sometimes. That makes me feel totally ungrateful. But being a SAHM will make you a loose cannon.

Life is hard. I don’t need to tell you that. Tons of unrewarded work, unacknowledged effort, unbearable grief, uexpected pain, chaos and tragedy...But it also brings moments of joy, wonder, beauty and great peace if you allow it. But what happens when our well runs dry?? What happens when (due to bad luck, illness, depression, WHATEVS) we wake up one day and realize that we wouldn’t recognize a moment of joy if it jumped up and bit us on our flabby ass? I still fight with this today. I am using the tools I need, to free myself from it. As with everything........ it takes time.

NOONE can say that we are the person we were 10 or 20 years ago, I can honestly say that I do not even recognize the person that stares back at me from the mirror some days. But another part of it originates in my belief that some people's love for me has limits. Some may think I’m weird. Not weird and wacky and wonderful, just plain weird … in a way that makes them uncomfortable, a way that makes them want to smoosh the weirdness out of me. I admit - there are times when I have let them. I stopped sharing much about my life or my feelings.I stopped opening my mouth on topics that related to religion or politics or anything else I felt would be hacked apart. Why? Fed up with being insulted. Great depression and anxiety, all my sense of spiritual awakenness (thank you Oprah) feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness- well they are all Sandra's doing.

I try, at the very least to make half-hearted efforts, to live the life of my dreams as much as possible from where I am. I have felt such freedom since I hit 30. I dont know what it is - I cant explain it, I can't show you, or draw it for you or anything. I just feel it. And it flows. For me, this never ending process is nothing short of mystical and amazing. What a relief, to be washed clean of the past...allthe time that blocks true living. Yeah I did things and yeah other times I had things done to me. But absolutely no decision I have made was a "bad" one, because those are the lessons that have carried me to a better life. Period. Move On.

I share these thoughts because I need too. I let folks in and allow them to weaken me with their judgments; It got to the point where I had to say to myself, "Ok yeah it would be nice if everyone had a good opinion of me, but what IS it inside of me that STILL is making me feel as if I NEED acceptance???" I mean, it's not as if these people could shove their hands inside me and rearrange my emotion. I had to do that. I think Im doin pretty good. If I accept my choices and who I am becoming and feel good about them, then other peoples opinions mean nothing. 10 years ago, I couldnt even imagine myself feeling this way, let alone saying it.. sharing it. I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter and totally embracing the woman I have become and continue to become. This whole struggle of an identity - Who are you really? Who will you become? Will you be ok with what you WONT be? What you WONT HAVE?  But Im not 21 anymore.

And you know...that's some good shit.

Blessings

Can Feminism Wait Until After The Brownies Are Done?

LOVE. IT. 

So do any of you feel like there is still so much you want to do and try in life and you’re really sure how to even start?

I've been feeling that way lately, there is so much I can do & honestly when you sit back & contemplate all the things you're good at, you'll be surprised at the multitude of talents you seriously possess. It's overwhelming at times to live in this brain of mine, because I have so much going on all at once - so many ideas and thoughts and things I want to try and do.  So how do you gather it all up and put it into practice? Well. It's what I'm thinking about the past few days.... 

Why is it that SAHM's have a problem admitting that we work at home, that we are stay at home moms?  I used to feel that way, when someone asked me what it is I do, I would freeze up and get nervous because I knew that there was no way of answering that question without getting some cocky shocked sort of look, of unsaid acknowledgment that what I was doing was insane, crazy, not normal, not right.  

Then I realized that I am one of a dying species, one of those still trying to hold on tight to simple things, to making sure that my home is still that safe haven where my family gathers at the end of a rough day, where you think of chicken soup and snuggies, of a soft candle glow or a fireplace blaring, homemade yummies, of simple times.  It's a HARD realization when it hits you, and when it did for me, it shot me into this roller coaster of emotions but most of all it completely slapped me in the face and made me realize that, I'm not abnormal, I'm not a weirdo, I am doing what I love, what I want to do for my husband and for my children and for MYSELF and THAT is the best feeling in the world. I have worked since I was 16. I've been in banks, and shipping companies, and retail stores and law offices and you know what? I hated it. I've sat behind desks, I've led teams, and I've bit my lip while being pushed around by punks no more than a year older than me on serious power trips. If anyone would have asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I can say with certainty - it was to be a wife and mother. It doesn’t make me a douche bag with no goals in life. I get how hard and upsetting it is for working moms and dads to get up and bring their children to a daycare all day and rush home the minute work is over to be with them. Believe me. I lived this. I did it and I understand. I get how hard it is to hear from a caretaker that your child did this and that and you didn’t get to witness it first. I’m not ignorant to what working moms and dads miss out on. But I work too. I work all ALL DAY LONG too. I am responsible for raising 3 human beings and sending them off into the world. More power to all the women in the world who choose and want to take over corporate America and prove to themselves and the planet that although they don’t have testicles, they can do and be more than any man in the world ever will. I applaud those women. I’m simply not one of them. It doesn’t mean I’m weak, it definitely doesn’t mean I let a man define me and my life and what I want. It means that what one person thinks is right for them - is not necessarily right for the other. You like what you like and there you have it. I like tofu. Not everyone else does and that’s ok. See? Good...

I've had conversations with people and heard that being at home instead of the workplace, means I'm succumbing to my husband, that I'm not my own woman, I have no identity... that I'm not independent....frankly all I can do to that is laugh, really hard and right in their faces. ANYONE who knows me knows that NOONE tells me what to do. No one makes up my mind for me and NOONE dictates to me. Some women allow that to happen, and that’s unfortunate & sad. I get that not everyone can be with their children all day and I don’t knock working mothers at ALL. I mean seriously. I just wish that working mothers wouldn’t look at the ones who have the ability to be home with their kids like they sport a 3rd eye or are some weak pathetic slave with no brain cells or path in life. I thoroughly enjoy making things from scratch. I enjoy taking the time to do a lot of things MYSELF. I have started 2 of my own business which makes me exceptionally happy, proud, fulfilled and allows me to be with my kids plus have a creative outlet that I would surely shrivel up and die if I didn’t have.

I could go on forever about this but I won’t. I guess my wish is for all stay at home moms to stop being grounded by what society thinks you should or shouldn't do, follow your heart and instincts and your wants and needs for YOUR family above others, and the sure thing is - you will find happiness. I was a total emotional mess with this in my 20's. As I grow I find that other people’s perceptions of me really don’t matter. I could honestly say that now. I resent that some select people think that I should want more for myself. I love my home; if you were to walk into it you would see so many handmade items, so many things that scream "cozy" & "family". Because it's who I am. I adore my family. I love every insane minute with them. I don't walk around my home with heaviness in my heart because being the best mother and wife in my family does wonders for the soul. When I was little I dreamt of a life I wished I had at that age. And I swore to myself that I was going to give my children EXACTLY what I wanted.

I’m doing just that. 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

If I wasn't able to create - in any way shape or form, you might as well tell me to just lay down and die. I have always been a creative person. I love music. I love art. I love design. I could get lost in all three. In fact, at times, I have. I LIVE to create. I am glad to have finally caught up on all the things I had to do for other people. This means I can start working on some things for myself. This weekend was entirely too busy and I was in such a good mood.  I got so much accomplished.  I ran all over looking for items that I really need for my businesses and did price comparisons. Shopping.... Is there any better therapy than RETAIL?

I'm pretty sure I found everything I needed and tomorrow morning I'm going to pick some of them up. I'm sure it will make my daughter happy to tag along. Girlfriend loves to shop and I have absolutely NO idea where she gets it from....:)

WOOO HOOO - IM THERE!!!!

Moving on...

I never would have thought I’d be 31 and embarking on a new phase of my life that I sometimes feel I don’t have the skill set for. Change can be a positive force in your life if you let it be. The best way to create change for good is to not be afraid of it. Ive been getting better at recognizing change when it’s heading toward me and more willing to make adjustments in my life to either integrate or discover ways to avoid it. There’s no such thing as something that never changes. I am constantly evolving, striving to be a better person, wife, mother, sister. Hopefully - I am succeeding. There it is again, self doubt. Always.

I think what it really comes down to is that I have to start giving myself a break. I need to stop trying to kick myself when I’m down and allow myself to make mistakes. They are inevitable and that doesn’t mean that I’m less of a person or given to sloth. I’m always trying to be the best and I often fall short, but only in my own opinion. We are always hardest on ourselves. I need to learn to let myself fail on occasion and then be OK with it.  I deserve to be empowered and successful. I know that the only person that can make that happen is me. And I deserve for it to happen. As long as I keep moving forward things can never be too bad. And like my beloved Phoenix, I will continue to rise from the ashes.

So, while I write this I’m starting to think that perhaps this is part of the journey I’m on. This realization of what I used to do compared to what I do now. I need to do everything with intent, as I once did. I need to go outside and be amazed by the different colors of grey and blue the sky has. I need to enjoy the motions of what I do to see the beauty in everything and everyone. Life is a funny thing. It takes almost all of it, to realize how precious it is.

Move through life with intent. Like a fucking ROCKSTAR... Sheen-style.

Not dead bitches... just busy.

I will readily admit I am one of those women, riddled from head to foot with whimsy. I hold the view that life is what we make of it. For me, it has been exactly that in the last few weeks. :) I havent purged my thoughts in some time, and was beginning to feel full.


I started thinking this morning about how playtime has changed..  Whatever happened to kids simply PLAYING?  Yeah, I know boys will be boys.  They'll make a gun out of anything they can find.  I've seen first hand how Lego's can be used as weapons. Girls will always love being the mommy or playing dress-up.  But who says that's all they have to do? 


If you ask my daughter what she'd like to do everyday, she will respond with an eager: "TARGET!!!!", "STORE!!!!" "SHOPPING!!!!". She loves her babies, her Barbies, her PINK, but as girly as she is? We don't put boundaries on her.  She stole, claimed, "borrowed" her brother's hot wheels cars and army men at the tender age of 6 months. She is fascinated by their cars, trucks, etc and will sit exploring them for hours.  She even built an imaginary sword with Lego's to poke the boys with.  Truth be told? My daughter, is a tough chick.

It doesn't stop there either. 

Her brothers will sit and play Barbies with her. They dont complain (well, not too much) about her Tinkerbell movies on heavy repeat throughout the day or when she commands one of them to attend a tea party. One was corralled into dress up when she stuck a pair of fairy wings on his back. 

Dont laugh. This may happen to your sons one day as well.

They are always good sports and comply with her demands.  They don't whine or moan about how they are boys. I think its sweet. They don't belittle her dreams by saying she's a girl.  They help reinforce everything I tell all 3 of them:  You can be anything or do anything you want... :)


Moving along....


I've discovered that my 30's arent so bad. Thanks to my closest friends and the best hubby ever, I eased out of my twenties. I'm still loud, or louder depending on the crowd, and opinionated. I'm fiercely loyal. People fight and grow apart, but that doesn't mean our paths won't cross again. Life is about the journey, not the destination. Life has taught me many lessons, some easy and some hard.


In another ten years, I will be newly 40. It seems like a life time away, but from experience I know that it will come in a blink of any eye. Relish each moment. They turn into memories. And if the marvelous is not coming across your life, perhaps stepping away from the real and over to a bigger reality is exactly what you need.

You HONGRY?

INGREDIENTS
2 teaspoons cumin seeds
1/2 teaspoon whole black peppercorns
4 cloves garlic, chopped
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1/3 cup sour orange juice
1/3 cup dry sherry
3 tablespoons lemon juice
4 tablespoons fresh lime juice
2 tablespoons olive oil
4 pounds pork shoulder, trimmed and tied

DIRECTIONS
1. Heat a small, heavy skillet over medium heat. Add the cumin seeds and peppercorns to the pan; stir constantly until fragrant and beginning to brown, about 2 minutes. Cool.
2. Using a mortar and pestle, crush toasted spices with garlic, salt, and oregano to make a paste. You can also do this in the small bowl of a food processor. Transfer to a small bowl, and stir in orange juice, lime juice, lemon juice, sherry, and olive oil.
3. Place the pork in a large resealable plastic bag. Pour citrus marinade over meat, and seal. Refrigerate for 12 to 24 hours, turning the bag over occasionally.
4. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).
5. Transfer pork and marinade to a roasting pan, and place in the oven. Roast for about 2 1/2 hours, basting with pan juices occasionally, or until an instant read thermometer inserted in the center reads 145 degrees F (63 degrees C). Add small amounts of water to the pan if it dries out. Transfer the pork to a carving board, cover loosely with foil, and let rest for 15 minutes. Carve, and serve

And DINNER, my lovelies... is served. Great side dishes are cous cous (I add slivered almonds and dried cranberries to mine) or mashed celery root, mashed potatoes, even sweet potatoes are the bomb. If your feeling up to it, try frying some plantains and dusting lightly with powdered sugar and serve just as you would dinner rolls. Enjoy!