Anyone who knows me, knows that I am the first person to call bullshit when it comes to certain aspects of religion. But today I snuck away from my children, leaving them in the care of my father at home and entered a Lutheran church near me. I slid into the pew and bowed my head and did the customary sign of the cross. I then felt this overwhelming urge to bawl my eyes out. Desperation just came over me. I sat there and I pressed rewind in my head to my earliest memory from childhood and it just became more and more depressing. I completely surrendered and asked this all mighty being a good portion of the planet holds in such high regard, to somehow give me the strength to be able to manage my life. I live in constant fear and anxiety. I have actually been diagnosed and medicated for anxiety and depression. If nothing ever changes, how can it ever get better?
I have a horrible fear of death and abandonment. How we are raised and what we see give us a roadmap for our life. I no longer want to use this map I have had since I was a kid. I get you can't change people who do not want to be changed. I GET IT. I guess without drawing out this post for days, I need to understand how to just let some things go, or "Give it to God" as I hear thrown around so often. I just feel like sometimes I need to see those footsteps next to me. I got up, lit a candle and began to have a quick one on one with the big guy. I need help. I need some higher power to begin to explain to my head and heart that I am not responsible for the actions of other people, past or present. I need my head and heart to understand that my life is what I make of it. I want this tremendous boulder of guilt out of my head and heart.
I dont think of myself as weak, but one person can only deal with so much until they literally collapse. And I have. Physically and mentally. Maybe what I was seeking today was a light bulb moment. I was hoping that as I sat there and silently poured my heart out to this beautiful and expensive sculpture's eyes, that somehow, I would get an answer. And you know what? I did. Its that noone and nothing will change, unless I change myself. Time will tell.
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