People say time heals all wounds. And what they're saying is that hopefully someday I'll get over losing one of my very close friends. They want me to believe that I am strong enough to overcome such a thing - he was just my friend, after all.
Pete was not just my friend. He was one of those very few people you meet and you know right away that this person comes from wherever you do, or is cut from whatever cloth you are, someone you share something absolutely essential to life and living it. The something Pete and I shared as friends wasn't visible or even expressed properly in words. And since he’s gone it’s even more impossible to explain.
Maybe it's just the kindest thing your brain can do for your heart - put a dull haze over the blindingly brilliant or hilarious moments you can’t have back so that your heart can forget how awesome it was that someone thought of you when he heard the lyrics to a fun song, or how special you felt when he hunted for just the right movie to make you laugh when he knew you hadn't laughed in so long, how sweet it was that he appreciated you put a slice of cheese on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich even if everyone else thought it was absolutely repulsive.
He took his own life on Thanksgiving morning in 2005. Over something that was truly senseless. He was desperate and made a permanent decision for a temporary problem. I still find it hard to believe I will never hear another one of his jokes, talk with him about our mutual love of the movie "The Crow" (it was borderline obsession on his part) or hear his highly contagious laughter again. It is something I will NEVER get over. I miss him. I miss his friendship. He deserved a long life with many blessings. Instead his depression swallowed him whole.
Sometimes I think “Pete would want me to smile,” and I try my best to be carefree and silly and happy in the way that we were before his death – even if it’s for a moment. But most of the time I don’t think Pete understood how much we would miss him. I feel like if he JUST KNEW how bad everyone would hurt he would have never made his choice. But I also know, no matter what his friends and family did to show him we loved him, he did not love himself enough. He had no idea how lucky I felt to have been a part of his world, even if it was for a few short years. I feel the same way about my dear friend Tierney. She was an amazing friend. And like Pete, I miss her support, her wicked sense of humor, her off the wall text messages, her ability to make you laugh so hard you shot liquids from your nose or mouth and couldnt breathe easily for a few minutes... I will always remember her smiling, her laughter and forever be grateful I knew her.
I miss them both terribly.
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