Like Johnny Gill said..... "I Just Got Paid".
BUT - It's not Friday night.... and I have nowhere to go. So what fun is that you may ask right? Well Mama 'bout ta SKOOL u FOOL! See, lately ALL my children do - is fight. I mean fight over EVERYTHING. Where they sit at the dinner table, who has which wrestler to play with, where their socks go in the drawer, who gets to brush their teeth first, Wii remotes (THEY ARE ALL WHITE!?!?!)... I could go on and on. But I wont. Im gonna get PAID. See I was wandering aimlessly through Kohl's when I stumbled upon the handly little contraption pictured above. And then it hit me. It hit me like Ike Turner. THE NEXT TIME THESE HEATHENS FIGHT - I'm gettin paid because I'm TIRED of listening to the bewlshit. I snatched that sucka up, paid happily and proceeded to head to my car. (What happened in the time I left the register and GOT to my car is a WHOLE NUTHA ISSUE, but we'll just leave that alone for right now..)
I drive home walk in the door and sit both their lil monkey butts down. Then I explained to them Mama doesnt get paid for my "job" of being a Mama. I have to take the good the bad and the ugly WITHOUT PAY. I have to be a maid, cook, taxi, doctor, secretary, referee... WITHOUT PAY, and well, Mama - is DONE HAD ENUFF. So... I informed them that the next time they fight I want to be paid to listen to it. The looks on their faces were priceless. As were the responding: "Huh? We don't have JOBS?" and "I can ask Daddy for some money, right?" WRONG! If that means I go straight to their piggy banks and deplete them. If it means whatever money they need for a field trip, or snack day at school, or movie night at school comes straight to me - then thats how Im rollin. The mouths dropped to the floor. Then, the offers poured in. "Mom, do you need help with dinner?", "Mom, can I make your bed?" "Mom, Mom, Can I do this, that, THE OTHER?" Oh yes....I also let them know that they can watch as the dollar amount goes up and up and then watch ME get in the car and drive away with that money for MYSELF. To get my nails done, go to a movie ALONE, you name it. And thats just how it is son. You want to act like a damn fool in my house, I don't listen to it for free NO'MO. And Im even thinking about charging OTHERS just the same. Don't come to me with bullshit drama unless you are gonna PAY me to listen. Cuz Im wiped. Business is starting up again, got 5,000 things on the mom calendar to do, a 19 month old who is part cyborg... Just don't have the energy.
Moving along...
So here I am walking out of Kohl's with the above purchase and I have said before - some people are afraid of dogs, the dark, small spaces... OLIVES... SANDRA - is afraid of snow and ice. Well when I went IN to shop it was fine. I came out into a mini blizzard. I glance down at my car keys and my gym shoes and realize mother nature is probably going to win this one as I slowly make my way across the parking lot. That's... when it happened. That mother effin black ice WON. I'm surprised all you people didn't hear my big ass go down. Bags went up in the air, front and back and Sandra made like Mary Lou Retton and did the splits and right onto my ass. Think that's bad enough? Nope.... gets worse. I pissed my pants. People, I sat there, tailbone stinging, dignity and self respect in shreds, and then it got even WORSE. 2 people start to approach me. Kids...Abercrombie crew...PUPPIES in their early 20's maybe? Late teens? "Ma'am, OMG are you ok?" I think hearing that was worse than feeling my ass, totally drenched in sludge, snow and tinkle tinkle, burn from below me. "Ohhhhhhhhhhh Im ok! Thanks!" I totally did not want them to approach me because HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN YELLOW SNOW?!?!? I was absolutely mortified. So like the persistent old woman I am, I kept declining their offers for help as I thought to myself "PLEASE GET A CRANE!!!" and finally they went about their business. I sat there for another cool 2-3 minutes plotting my army crawl to the car. Climbed in and proceeded to laugh so hard I was sure I was gonna pee whatever else I had left right there on the seat. But thankfully I didnt. And thankfully I was rockin waterproof mascara because I alternated between laughing and crying in pain the whole ride home. I GET home, beep for my husband to come "give me a hand" and hear "What the hell did you buy now???". I think he sensed by my middle finger I wasnt kidding and came out to hear the story. Did I get a hug? Did I get an "OMG U OK?" Nahhhhhhhhhhhhh - Homey almost fell over in the bushes laughing his ass off. Thanks babe.
So, he helps me hobble into the house, up the friggin stairs and I ask "Can you help me get these jeans off?" Did I get a "Sure, sure, omg you must be hurtin!" NAHHHHHHHH - I get crossed eyes, in between snorts of laughter and a big "EWWWWWW!!" People, he's lucky I wasnt able to chase him. "You watched me give birth TWICE, you have cleaned up regurgitated FOOD, and any other bodily function known to man from your children, animals, etc... " to which he replies "Any other time I have no issues with taking your pants down, but Uhhh....." Men are gross. Even when WOMEN are gross, men still find a way to out gross us.
Yeah, there ya have it. ::HANGING HEAD IN SHAME::
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