I woke up this morning feel out-of-sorts, as if I'd committed some unconscionable sin in my sleep and hadn't quite forgiven myself. I waited for the unease to settle...looked around the room for a possible source of discontent. "Maybe it's too cluttered in here," I said, and proceeded to rearrange orderly chaos, tripping over baskets full of clothes and whatnot. Still I felt that topsy-turvy feeling. And you know, I'm used to "bad" days...feeling grey around the edges; wanting to remain immobile in temporary exile. Those days feel comfortable to me, because I know all soon passes. But this mood consumed me...made me feel restless and unsure. And so I sat and sat and sat and lay down and dozed and looked at my entire situation...no blinders, no excuses. And I realized that the biggest factor in my equation of (un)happiness is my mother. And when I say unhappiness I don't mean every day diddle daddle. I mean feeling a sense of rightness about all the things I believe, work for and desire. I suppose you can call it contentment. Damn everything because even to this day, this woman, who I do not know, yet look so much like - still creeps into my head when I least expect it. I am angry. I am bitter. I resent her for not having the decency to put ANY of her children before herself. Regardless of her life choices and relationship issues with my father, I realize she is at the core of everything I am screwed up over. They BOTH are. My father, is a whole 'NUTHA issue....My father at times, makes me question my sanity as much as the general public questions....
Mr. Busey's.
I get nervous when things are going well, or the mood is too perfect, and I feel I'm giving over to that damn...feeling again. And so I sit up straight and shake the webs of enchantment loose. You know better. Ever the realist I am, only willing to allow my feet to hover a couple of inches off the ground; so that I will feel little impact when I fall. And fall I do, because that rebellious piece of me gets soooo...heavy sometimes. As I sit here typing, I hear the clock ticking on my kitchen wall, sneek a glance at my husband snoring on the couch, our daughter snuggled up under his arm, head on his chest, I know my sons are safe and secure in their beds - their little minds off in dreamland. They are so innocent and untainted. Isn't it amazing how untouched they are? They don't understand war, depression, money issues, work, etc. I yearn for those days. When nothing really mattered other than just being a kid. I want to be that innocent and free again. And just not have a care in the world. Just for a day.
I sometimes find myself sitting, watching these little people play freely and getting that feeling - that emotionally malignant tumor (it's on my heart, if you must know) more than I'd ever felt it before. I just have got to learn to let it GO. Let her GO. Over with already. DONE. Cant fix it, cant make it right. I intend and have strived to build in my life what I did NOT have in my own. It's just that it...she...and I, this phantom relationship we have, have got to part ways. Underneath the obnoxious snoring I still hear that clock tick tick tick tick tick... and it makes me think about how to make each one of those ticks mean something while I am still here to enjoy it. I suppose the little girl in me still yearns for a mommy. And she always will. When I'm old and gray and surrounded by grandchildren, I will STILL want a mother. I didn't get that this go around. And I cannot help that I feel empty because of it, but the goal is to learn to LET IT GO. And each day gets easier, but some days are still hard.
So on that note: I'm leaving you. Effectively immediately, I don't need you anymore. I don't need the idea of you. I'm so tired of feeling rejected by motherly figures. To hell with all of you. Ive had enough. To me you are a false sense of security. You are so cold that even the thickest blanket of all the lies you have told me would still make me freeze.
I won't sit still, won't shortchange myself, won't settle for a life half-lived, won't sidestep joy, and I certainly won't two-step, do-si-do, or salsa y merengue any longer. A missed phone call is your pathetic excuse. I guess because you still draw breath I cannot fathom how you can side step your issues. You had better make amends before its your time to sit in a box. For your ignorance for your children... for your ignorance as a grandparent, and for your inability to simply say "I'm sorry" Just 2 simple words I think BOTH her children need to hear. "Im sorry for choices I made that affected you - I cant change them, but I apologize". For this mother, I hate you. Too many coincidences abound. I can ignore these messages from the universe any longer. She's telling me that everything is within my reach, if I just didn't let you rule it anymore. So step aside, and let me breathe. Get the hell out of my head and my heart. I've got work to do. A family to raise. A mother to be. I want a different life for my kids than what I had. Not that I was MISERABLE and completely unhappy as a child, because I wasn't. I had my big sister, but she was not my MOTHER. No CHILD should have to pretend to be a MOTHER. Its unfair and uncalled for. When you reproduce it doesn't give you the right to shove all your issues off onto your children. I want better for them (everyone in general). I'm now strong enough to hunt and gather the happiness of which we are all worthy. I feel as if my spirit is saying, "Do you trust me now, or do I have to keep proving shit to you?" And I'm saying, "Yeah...I get it."
Today was a busy morning… Rush rush rush. Come on Jack, brush the teeth. Come on, get dressed, hurry up! Breakfast consisted of a cereal bar and small orange juice ....."come on, come on, let's go, let's go. " We get into the car and had a nice conversation his first day back. Just the 2 of us. My gorgeous, blue eyed baby boy, my life changer, my source if insanity at times, but my heart. I absolutely adore this child. If ONE good thing came from the relationship I had with my ex-husband, it is this little creature, a SPITTING image of that man. I really thought I knew what it meant to love someone or something. Then May 11th, 2002 happened and everything changed. And I knew what I was in, and what I would not tolerate and vowed that I would NOT let my child experience the same thing I did. I loved him the moment I knew he was in there. But when I laid eyes on this baby, everything - EVERYTHING changed. I will never understand how a mother can be disconnected from her own child. Never. One of my favorite quotes:
"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."
I suppose that quote is wrong. Because not all mother's are loving. Not all mother's bond with their children. I love each of my children. With each of their births, my heart grew bigger. I didnt think it was possible, but it was. And when my daughter was born, this gaping hole that was in it was filled. These gorgeous little maniacs.... happy, healthy - 30 fingers, 30 toes, are my reason for breathing. Motherhood - it's somethin..
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