Parenthood.

It is the most terrifying thing a human being can enter into on the planet. To me at least. And some may think thats because once you become a parent you have to cut all your hair off and drive a mini van. I, think differently.

When the majority of my friends at the time were busy with schoolwork and part time jobs, I was already playing house. Out of school, working full time and had my much older boyfriend living with me. If I knew then what I know now - I would have drop kicked myself. Leaving that alone, I will move on to say one of the best things that ever happened to me back then was the discovery I was expecting my first child. In May of 2002 I delivered (rather quickly) a 6lb 10 oz blond haired, blue eyed baby boy who changed my life. I was amazed and absolutely petrified that I was a mother. After the nurses catered to me and pushed so hard on my stomach to make sure that handy dandy uterus was clamping back down that I wanted to claw their eyes out, I sat in my hospital bed and I cried and cried and just stared at my absolutely perfect baby boy and promised him I was going to give him the best life. And while it hasn't been perfect, I hope I have lived up to my promise. As women, we grow these perfectly innocent creatures for 9 months and then within minutes we hand them over to the mean and ugly world. I have welcomed 2 more children since he was born and while the love in my heart has grown with each of their births, so has my fear.

I am raising my children to be honest, open-minded, loving INDIVIDUALS. To treat others as they would want to be treated. To be decent and moral. I do not raise them with the belief that the minute they show that they are human and make a mistake that they will be banished to a firey pit for all eternity. BUT I am also selfish..... I am a mother. I want them never to know the pain of a broken heart. I want them to always excel at whatever it is they choose to do in life and always be financially able to provide for themselves and eventually their families. I want them all to have friends who support healthy, wise choices. I want them to always eat their vegetables, use their seat belts, turn down drinks before they are 21 and always be at my dinner table at 6 for the rest of their lives. Because I am SELFISH. It is not that I do not have faith that with the way I am raising my children they will not be able to make their own choices, because this is what my role is - to lay the foundation for them, so when my husband and I are not around they have that voice in their head (better known as mother's annoying shriek) that will help them make the right choice. The safe choice. The one they know in their heart of hearts is the right one to make. I'm just SELFISH and want to keep them protected. From everything. FOREVER.

I dont deal well with separation. I have a horrible anxiety disorder. I have abandonment issues. Hell Sandra has issues for DAYS and I have no clue what I am going to be like when my children are teens and their friends have more influence over them than I do. I will be heartbroken. I will want to sit perched on their shoulders like the annoying red headed parrot they never wanted. It is a chapter of my life I am not prepared for. But as I sit here suffering through another night of insomnia with these irrational "what-if" fears going through my mind, my babies are in their beds, still innocent, still clueless to all the things that await them with puberty and adulthood, and tomorrow will wake up thinking I hung the sunshine in the sky for them and thats the magic I dont ever want my kids to lose. I just want them to enjoy being children. They have their whole lives to be adults.  My father gave me the best life he knew how too and could. Me saying I want better for my children in no way demeans him. But there are some things I grew up watching others have that I wished I had. I want family dinners at my table, holiday traditions, vacations, a photo for EVERY single thing in their lives I was ever able to capture for them (Mission ACCOMPLISHED). I want them to be able to look back at their childhood with love and incredible memories because when we get older, its really all we have. These years shape who we are and who we become. What we want for our lives and the lives of our future families. If I dont do my job right the first time, the ONLY time I have to get it right, will they want to share their lives with me later?

These 3 little people have helped me heal a massive wound in my soul that unless you are ME, you couldnt or wouldnt understand. Every time they laugh, or even FIGHT. Every time they wrap their arms around me and say "I Love You Mommy", I heal. It is a never ending process. Let's compare it to...ORGAN REMOVAL. You know it's gone, its never coming back, there is no use for it in your system... so it is removed. Either by choice or necessity, but the scar is still there. Everytime you LOOK at the scar you are reminded of what was once there or should be there. It's how you make your next move that matters. I forgive people, but I dont forget. I have to move forward from whatever held me back in the past to be able to give 100% to my children. If I am angry at people my children are suffering. I wont allow that. So I have found quite a few ways to release. I guess Im all over the place with this. But I couldnt sleep, had to just purge. These damn stories of horrific child abuse in the news have my heart sad. Oprah Winfrey said it so perfectly when she said "Biology is the LEAST of what makes someone a mother". I just hope that when I am old and falling apart my children will still seek my advice and support and want "Mom". Until and even THEN, I will still spend every waking moment of my life worrying and loving them.